i met with the other artists yesterday for the last time under the umbrella of aa2a 2011/2012.  in our group discussions there was again much heated debate and conversation, that we all really enjoyed.

i've certainly enjoyed the time and space to play on aa2a.  

my play has given me these:

http://soundcloud.com/particle-p/sets/aa2a/

i've filled in my questionaire and emailed my word document.  i've posted two audio files to soundcloud.  it's a kin to packing for a holiday.

in the last 24 hours i've been through quite a large swing of feelings about what i've been through on this residency.  for a start it's been for me and me alone.  i've done what i wanted to when i wanted to and ultimately almost became very disappointed that i have nothing to show for it.  

however i see now that the process was what i have to show for it.  i have had a pic of the week, an image selected for the homepage of the sister website and experience of nottingham trent university.

i've assessed the sonics work that i set out to do and know now that the method i selected is not one i can take forward with me.  i'm aware that in doing this residency it actually has affirmed for me what the snee snaw is.

i'd like to round off the scheme with one last post with the sonics files in.  i'll not do that today.

i've learnt about myself, about art education at ma level and where i sit relative to forma art language.  even though right now it doesn't feel good, i know that my time on this scheme will be good once i am away from it and doing stuff as a result of going through the scheme.

i recomend this scheme to anyone needing time and space to find out abit themselves and the cultural horizon currently in focus.

i'm working with the pieces of video gathered and made that might stand as an outcome for this residency and it occurs to me that for a while i might have been allowing the outcome to be some point about there being no harm in having a failure and leaving it at that.

however there's personal pride at stake here.  the question to self then becomes why didn't you do anything to turn it around?  it maybe doesn't matter that something didn't go to plan or expected.  it might matter however not to do anything about that.  if i do nothing, there will always be that niggle of why didn't i do something to fix it.  

comes to the pont of whom am i fixing it for.  there's no marketed audience expecting to experience it, there's no funders waiting on an outcome, there's no assesment waiting for a hand in.  all there is is where i began.  what did i set out to do.

 for the new work i want to use sounds generated in real time, in direct response to the movement of the play equipment.

this is what i stated.  i chose to do this using a workstation allowing manipulation of formal musical sounds.  i've attempted to make this work for some time now.  i think i might just have to concede that manipulation of formal musical sounds does not give me the excitement and fun that i got when the snee snaw moved.  i began doing something in reponse to a technical question, could i do it? answer now is yes, however i find it quite boring. technically prophiciant but boring.

so where does that leave me?

having to admit that i have acheived a piece of research that proves a point.

having achieved a piece of research that underpins something i'm yet to do.

learning that sometimes what i set out to do can have a poor result, and that's actually ok. it's ok to fail sometimes, and you know what, it's been a long time since i've been in a position to be able to do that.

i'm enjoying working out some of this here, being able to share it, leave it as a legacy of where i've been and what i've done.

i've been considering: what if my residency is a succesful failure?

i've been thinking this as as yet i am unable to resolve what i began in a manner in which i feel happy about it.  so does there need to be a resolution?  the great thing abut the aa2a scheme is that actually there doesn't need to be one.  if anyone is interested i can talk to them about what it's been like and what it now feels like.

the easy option is to walk away with the resolution unfound.  the more challenging option is to try and find a resolution whith which i am happy.

i still have a few more days before our final meeting.  i still have time to put into attempting to find a resolution.

as i near the end of the aa2a time i'm moving my research outdoors to endeavour to realise some sort of outcome.

i've attempted to add the image here in this post but i can't work out how to do it.  

my feelings about the finl outcome are mixed as i am developing a love hate relationship with the research path.  i'm thinking that the outcome once finished will speak of my time on aa2a.

onward, despite some underlying unhappiness connected/ associated with what i'm doing.

being on the aa2a scheme has given me the time and space to research something that was of interest following my snee snaw project.  i've come a long way with the research and at times i have found it hard not to be hard on myself for not being that far on, even though i've done so much work.  i might be disappointed in myself, i might be disappointed in something else.

ok.  having done the "wow is me" drama queen type activity i can get beck to the practical nature of wanting to work to a conclusion.  as the weather is improving i am going to take my research once again outdoors to use two actual swings with the work i've done in the studio.  my intention is to make a small film to punctuate the point of the completion of the aa2a scheme.

when i set out on the path of the research i was setting out on an enquiry into wether or not i could do something, based on a response to my previous work.  the challenge has proven to be larger than i had anticipated and i have been very close to walking away from it all on several occasions.  walking away is easy and if i did walk away it would be a larger failure than if i made something that i didn't like that much.  i have to admit to at times not liking what it is that i'm making.  the good thing about not liking it, once i've realised i don;t like it, is that i can work to resolve the unlikeness to turn it around to become something i do like.  that almost feels like an advice thing waiting to happen.

my residency at ntu has taken me deep into a space that is uncomfortable.  the space i talk of is within me, not the institution.  my sonics research has got to a point where i hate what i've done, to the point of wanting to give it all up and get a job in morrisons.

so i've bought some time to reflect by building a website and offering to re-decorate a friends bedroom.  i feel it's an importnat time for me to be good to myself before returnng to the soncs research to find some sort of resolution of the enquiry.  aa2a has given me way to much rope, it almost became fatal.  i've realised in time.  as i drink tea and dunk digestif biscuit with a near k&d track for company, i saw the need to document where i am now as i want to be able to look back on where i was, even though i still don;t have a feeling for where i'm going.  i have no idea if this is a recognised space inthought to be.  i am also connected with a feeling of what it is that is holding me back.  i see only one way through this and that is to make things about it.  that will happen in time.  there's a two week period now where i can do things for me and look forward to coming back to my practice.

i heard with interest this morning about the bourgeois exhibition at the freud museum in london.  there's also a new work by brisley on show in london at the moment.

i've been considering performace based work of the 1970's of late.  i've not yet worked out why this is so.  

oh the joy of self discovery and reason.

which mode of writing to adopt today ?

formal for national or chatty for local ?

i consider this to be a blog that will be read at a personal level from one's lap with a coffee, or at a desk with a cup of earl grey tea, so either way it's local ... hence a chatty style today.

i've been using some of the sounds from the residency for an experimental film i've been makng since january. the group session last week was a handy way to show the film and get some feedback about it.  from that session i learnt stuff and made a new edit of the film for a peer to peer session at the weekend.  i'm taking it with me tomorrow to show to robert and loz, if he's in.

one thing i am having to reflect upon is the research that i've been doing has somewhat led me into a dead end.  i see that i need to edit what i've made and bring it back to something like the very first response that frankly was alittle more interesting than i have now.  one problem with working with digital media is that it is easy to become involved in the programmng side of the work and lose sight of what emotionally was being sort after.  i need to edit the research too.

wednesday this week is postgraduate open evening at ntu.  i'm going along to find out about a couple of courses, i'm not sure that i know why i'm considering further education, especially as i live with possibility that i'm unteachable. this was once said of me and in my daily awkwardness with everyday life i do wonder if they are onto something.

i have started making awkward drawings.  i'm keeping a jounrnal with them in, my little book of awkward drawings.  my awkwardness is derived from feeling in a place that i should not be, as usually i don;t speak the right language or agree with everything around me.  i'm happy for everything around me to be the way it is, i sometimes become overwhelmed by others who insist on the world being as they have it for them.  i don;t know if you read this as a moan, it's not meant to be read as a moan, more a vry for help.  i know that the help i call for is outside or the remit of this scheme, i just happen to be here when i feel the way i do.

part of releasing the feeling is attempting to write about it here.

and in so doing a weight is moved.

my sonics research began as the snee snaw was put on the shelf for another time.  using the performance tool used for the snee snaw i wanted to research using the motion of a swing and sounds made in real time, as opposed to pre-recorded sounds.  i've extended my knowledge of the performance tool, now it's time to refocus on the original intention and consider how to represent the time spent on the residency by some outcome.  i have access to a swing and some participants over the easter holiday, so there is a plan.  we began at ntu quite late, so my time there will run until sometime in may.

this reflective thing is tough as i very rapidly get very hard on myself.  i don;t yet know how to be reflective and not be so.

i feel a little happier for my local chat, thank you for taking the time to read it.  time to help cook tea.

i'm getting better.  for a start i am writing this.

my time at ntu has been enjoyable and this thursday we have another group get together.

one aspect of the residency i didn't expect to reflect on was how having a deadline to work to affects ones progression.  i've been making my research and bimbling ahead with very little idea of when and where it might be seen.  one of the big benefits of being at ntu is that the technicians there seem to be makers in their own right.  certainly robert with whom i have had a lot of contact with has been a great source of conversation companionship and it was with him that i had the ackward "i don't know how to fully resolve this" conversation.

so i can reflect on this...

if there is no deadline for research that implies that the research continues, the starting point being left behind and a whole journey of conversation taking place.

i reflect that this lack of deadlined display does leave me somewhat feeling like i'm in the wrong place, which i think is connected to my disability.

upon reflection within this process i've learnt about open and closed questions .  i've become aware of how i react to closed questions, being how i want to be asked open questions so that i have a chance to speak and talk as a result of a question.

my main reflection is that for the last 5 or so weeks i have been not feeling very well.  i think i'm coming out of that, and in so doing am posing myself some of the big questions.

i remember in the third yar of the degree when i hit this period, the advice was "keep making" and in fairness i have been away from the project that i've been engaged with during this residency.  

from the research i've been doing i have generated the soundtrack for my first explorative database narrative film.  i'm plannig to show this to the group on thursday.

i'm having to take gentle steps at the moment as once again i am missing the sun and feeling affected as a result.

what i can report is that one of my images is now included in the library of images for the aa2a.net home page and i'm well proud of that and this week i have been on bbc radio derby's loud mouth feature again.  the programme is available to listen to until next wednesday here.  the programme discusses 3 topics that are chosen on the morning of the broadcast.  i found the subjects quite emotionally challenging, so to ease that i set myself the challenge of saying the words "beaumaris pier" in the braodcast.  please do listen to see if i was succesful.

i'm attempting to set up so show and tell/listen for the work i've been researching.

i've also started to research awkward via image making.

i look forward to sunshine and happier outlook.